Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
