don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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