im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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