i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize