I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
