i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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