well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
