No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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