Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
