There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
