Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
