I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
