A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My breath smells like gin and sadness
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
