I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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