we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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