I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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