Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
