Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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