I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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