The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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