I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
