I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
no, he came in my armpit
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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