grandma shit on top of the toilet
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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