News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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