I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
