I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize