mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i came on her dog
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
