My sheets look like a crime scene.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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