i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
