i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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