I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize