I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
this boner is exhausting
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
