fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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