So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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