mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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