Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
