Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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