I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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