All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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