WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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