Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Randomize
