So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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