forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
