Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
