i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
