She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
