Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Did I show you my penis last night?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
