I wish my penis had an off switch
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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