FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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