Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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