oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize