literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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