She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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