So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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