dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
