I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize