I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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