Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
