the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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