We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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