my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
