I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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