There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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