wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
