I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
