i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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